Friday, April 14, 2017

Mencoba Menyemangati Diri (English)

I often reaffirming this soul by support myself with common yell like keep sabr, do not feeling frustrated, etc. I said to myself in front of mirror,

"Just passing your life along with good deeds that Allah commands you to do so, do as long as you possible struggling pass trough the obstacles. Because, many things you haven't learn yet, little do you dedicate your time to ponder about the state of your heart."

So, I ask to my own self:

– Did I contemplate my demeanor towards my family, my sisters, my brothers in one aqidah?
– Did I seek apologize to someone I have fault with?
– Did I recognize how many bad things I have done today?
– Did I stave off my laziness to remembering Allah sometimes?
– Did I fix my behavior in order to implement the verses I have memorized?

Many question marks embraced my brain, I am act as a little girl who really curious how things works, and something unknown try to predispose me, so I am feeling like I am waiting for uncertain thing, I am feeling like a gambler, just because it was like equivocal dimension that I wanted.

To be honest there was a speck intention heave in sight, it told me to go back to the start and just live my own life. But, my conscience refused it and I wont be a selfish personality.

I realized although there is an invisible pain in my heart but my condition million times better than my sisters' and brothers' condition out there who got killed every hour by kilograms bombs, who got tortured by electricity stuff, etc etc. And I always trying to be grateful for every little things Allah poured upon me, I found it.

I found myriad favour poured upon me. Allah still giving me a chance to memorize His noble book, I am still able to laughing with my family, with my sisters here, I am still saving my own money monthly from my job, I am still gain a new ilm peacefully, I am still eating a properly meal three times a day, I am still have a fortune to wearing my veil, niqab, gloves freely each day at coincidence other sister cannot -may Allah make easy for them- and when I am back from my school, I am still found my warm home in strong-built.

Yet shaytaan never surrender whispering its syubuhaat to my ears. It's like why do you thingking about people who even did not know your existence? Why do you burdening your life with phenomenon that happen faraway from your homeland? When you assuming yourself as a part of them, let me know what is the obvious profit you have got? Tell me what is it? You just idle away your time.

When my mind became fool, at once doubtness biting my heart sometimes, I knew what a weak aqiidah I possess right here, right now. But Allah is suffice me. So many palpable signs written I have found in Quran, and what a clear sign when the prophecy becomes a reality second by second.

All of it suffice me. Makes me persist to plant my foothold in this belief still, in this strange way claimed they.

1 comment:

  1. " I am still saving my own money monthly from my job." what job that you focused now about?

    ReplyDelete

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